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Thats a blurry Dave Mordal, He is one of my favourites. Infact I saw him last night On last comic standing 3 (mondays
@ 9 on channel 16) and I couldn't stop laughing.
here are some sarcastic remarks to get you through the day (then we will get to some jokes.)
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a fucking people person?
3. This isn't an
office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend
to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8.
You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your
train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the
aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. A hard-on doesn't count
as personal growth.
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look
you were going for, you missed.
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
19.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs?
I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza
delivery. Why should I leave the house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the
groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
27. A woman's favorite
position is CEO.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what's
behind door 1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck
you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume.
Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39.
And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored
in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I saw an old man who looked really old, on the park bench and he was crying. I went up to him and asked him what was
wrong. He said "Well my health is good, I live in a huge house, I have a twenty four year old wife and we f*** 5 or six times
a day." I said "Then why are you crying?" He replied, "I forgot where I live."
I understand you know the keeping the enviornment safe, Its just some people take it too far. Like those
people who want an electric car, because they dont pollute. Yeah! because ELECTRICITY comes from MAGIC! yeah not a Power Plant
or anything. Just plug the chord into the wall and you get magical power from the Jellybean Garden! (obviously you can tell
why this is called sarcastic comedy)
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I was sitting in class doing math problems when my teacher picked me to answer a question,
"Chris, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," I
said, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said my teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
I said, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking
her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said my teacher,
"I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," I said, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're
thinking." | |
I was talking on my phone on the train and a guy leaned over to me and said: "this is the quiet cart." so I turned to
him and said "than Shut the f*** up!"
"I was born in Russia but moved to the U.S. when I was five...I dont remember much about Russia...but its hard to remember
anything when your a little...drunk."
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