| "I saw a stationery store move." |
| "Do you know it was a year a ago today." (pauses
and wishes all a good-night.) |
| "A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock." |
"I slept with this girl, in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed?
She
said one pig in the blanket was enough." |
| "It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes." |
| "How do you like my overall look?" (Jay's normal stage
dress is bib overalls.) |
| "I model irregular clothing." |
| "You know what burns me? Matches." |
| "I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb [pause]
they diffused it." |
| "You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart." |
| "My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless." |
"They asked me what I thought about euthanasia.
I said I'm more concerned about
the adults." |
"I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section.
When someone asks
me where is the Bath section I say 'It's Beyond Me.'" |
| "My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings." |
| "I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job." |
| "I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road." |
| "I went to a urologist, [pause] he told me I could go at any time." |
| "Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?" |
| "At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?" |
| "I had a very lonely New Year's this year, I had to watch my own balls drop." |
| "I was born nine months premature." |
| "I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it
wasn't enough." |
| "A guy gave me a job at an information booth [pause] no questions asked." |
"I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions.
He said
don't worry it's not the end of the world." |
| "I get all my hair products at PetCo." (Jay's hair is well
just look a the pictures of him.) |
| "My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings." |
| "I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me." |
| "People read me but they don't subscribe." |
| "I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm." |
| "I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out." |
"I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent.
They kicked me out for pan-handling." |
| "Take my life, please." (stated after a series of no crowd response to
his one-liners.) |
| "I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to
who?" |
"Flowers for $25.00, reluctant.
Wining
and dining for $150.00, catastrophic.
Trying to get on first base, unattainable.
For everything
else there's Masturbate." |
"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument.
He told
me to knock myself out." |
"After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have
nicknames.
So I named my private part pride......it's not much but at least I have my pride." |
| "My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese." |
| "I went out with a promiscuous impressionist, [pause] she did everybody" |
| "I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else." |
| "Did you know that today will never be tomorrow." |
| "Well, I'd like to leave you with a joke." |
| "I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness." |
